Friday, February 28, 2014

Short Biography Of Me

I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately on my life, from birth until now. Maybe because I try to put myself in my boys' shoes and to see life through there eyes. Maybe because for the first time in years I have had a clarity of mind do to the lack of pain. It is so amazing how pain can alter a person. In my reflections I see so many different parts of who I was and how each part is a piece of the puzzle that makes up my life and who I am today.
Me age 3
Like many people out there, I have had a life of many struggles, growing up in the lower class, my parents divorced when my siblings and I were very young. I, being the oldest, was only 8, my sister 5 and my brother 3. I felt so much responsibility towards my younger siblings, like I was their second mom. Not saying that my mom was bad, in fact she is one of the strongest women I know. She did the very best by us in every way that she could and I am very grateful to her for that. But she was a single mom and at times, worked 2 or even 3 jobs. So a lot did fall to me. This piece is what makes me so strong willed today, and I will admit, I like to have control in most areas of my life. There are many times I have to sit back and remind myself that I'm not the one in charge or that not everything has to be planned out and done exactly so.
The 3 of us at the San Diego Zoo: 1988

My elementary years were difficult, I have dyslexia, and it was very hard for me to read out loud. On the other hand, given almost any book that I could read on my own, and I would become completely lost in it. Books were my escape from the difficulties of life. I was a self-conscious child, if in a room full of strangers I was an instant wall flower. Yet, with my friends I was happy go lucky, energetic and at times simply off the wall. But those friends were few, and the best anyone could have.  Today I am still one who, although no longer a wall flower, does still tend to sit back and observe situations, or people before becoming fully engaged.

Next was Jr. High. The years I wish I could erase from my mind. They were very dark years, full of self-worthlessness, bullies, and the beginning of my self-medication. If I wasn't high off of weed, I was drunk. I had to escape the world that was around me. I couldn't handle it on my own. The thoughts of suicide were often in my mind. Now when I see someone, young or old dealing with the same situations, I am able to know where they are coming from. I understand the drunk or the druggy. I have my story to give them hope.

High school was better, I had good friends, and the bullying was finally over. I had an understanding of who I was....unfortunately it was all about the party. I couldn't stand high school and aside from my handful of best friends that I went to school with, the majority of the people I hung out with were no longer in school. I truly believe it was a miracle that I even graduated. Now as a stay at home mom, and part time college student, want to do my best. I want to do it for me to prove to myself that I can, and to show my children that you can do anything once you put your whole heart into it.

My early adult years were absolutely terrifying, I had, by this time, became Wiccan. To explain this in a nut shell, I was playing with "white magic" or "good magic." We played with tarot cards, and Ouija boards and other things that went along with that. I know some people will think that this is weird or harmless, but it isn't, especially the way we were about it. I got in it too deep, and the more I tried to save myself from it, the worst it became. The partying became more and more, it was as if I was standing on the side lines watching in horror as I threw my life away. It is amazing how easy it is to be over taken and not know how to stop it. I have great compassion for anyone in this state of life.
My Besty and Me!
My Honey and I: Our Dating Years
I know this can sound like such a cliché, but when I was 20 years old, I decided to become a Christian, and a Pentecostal at that, it was the first time in my life that I felt like "ME." I felt real, and alive, I had the self-worth that I had been seeking up to this point. For the first time ever I had hope and despite all the trials life had given me, I had a feeling of forgiveness that overcame the bitterness which had filled my heart. Now just because I was on a path of living for God didn't mean my life was instantly perfect for "he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust."(Matthew 5:45 King James Version). The difference now is that I see each trial I go through has a purpose, and at the end of it victory. A beautiful gem doesn't come straight out of the ground perfect, it needs to be cleaned, cut and polished. I may be a diamond in the rough, but I am still a diamond, and God sees what my potential is and what I will become. A heart full of patches is still a full heart!

As God was patching up my wounded heart, He also patched up a relationship that I had given up on, my relationship with my father. Which now, just like my mom, my sister and my brother, is a bond that I am ever so grateful for. Not to mention that my boys absolutely adore their Papa Daryl!
My Dad ( AKA: Papa Daryl) and my boys.
Even through the last 3 years have been the most difficult times (health wise), I am able to look back in awe and astonishment at how far I have come. Life will always give you mountains and valleys (trials and tribulations), the valleys may be hard and the climb to the top of the mountain may be exhausting, you may stumble, or fall, you may endure cuts, bruises and scars. When you reach that mountain top the view is miraculous and worth it all. While you are up there, make sure you look to the next mountain, so while you are going down to the valley, through the valley and up the next mountain, you will have an understanding that victory is at the end and you will be that much closer to your final destination.  

My sister and brother in lay on their
wedding day.

My Goofy Brother, whom I seem to have
 no normal pictures of.
My beautiful mom and sister with Quinton
2013 Family Portrait
I now look at my life as it is today, I have my amazing family, my health, my self-worth, and goals, I give God all the glory for it!

Thank you for taking the time to read my testimony.
God Bless,
Jacque Heation

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